Thursday, May 31, 2012

Dead Hair Walking, or, Nearly Dis-Tressed.

Currently, my hair hangs down roughly to my shoulders. I probably haven't had it cut in about a year. Normally when it gets this long, I grow irritated with it: It never looks the way I hope it will when it gets long and in the Summer heat, it can be a bit of a problem in terms of comfort. I'm not sure what I expect when I let it grow; just not ... this1. But since I don't really do anything other than wash it and run a comb through it, I can't really complain about the results. "Product" - however you define that - has never sullied my hair.

When it gets to be around this length, I typically have a moment of weakness during which I turn to Teh 'Bride2 and say, "You have 5 minutes to gather your Implements of Follicular Mass Destruction and cut my hair. Hurry. By 5:01, I may have changed my mind."

Now, Teh 'Bride, who loathes hair of all kinds, appreciates this concession, even though there is an undeniable streak of cruelty in it because asking her to find anything that she last used a year ago in < 5 minutes pretty much assures 4:59 minutes of panicked rushing about and screeches of "Waitwaitwaitwaitwait!" and "Where did I PUT them?!" and various other ejaculations which is pretty entertaining for me and almost renders my having made a decision that I'm pretty much assured I'll regret 30 seconds after the cutting is over worth it. I'll end up a sad, shorn Melvin but I'll've been entertained so it has its rewards.

Well, even though right now my hair is at the usual It's starting to bug me-length, it's not bugging me. But yet I have agreed to have it cut.

Not because Teh 'Bride, hater-of-hair, has been bugging me to get a hair cut (And get a JOB, too, Hippie3!), because she knows doing that will backfire and just cause me to become more stubbornly hirsute; but rather because, well ... it's a long story and involves the Phillies.

You see, the Phillies started the 2012 season not doing very well. Lots of injuries, some poor playing, blah, blah, blah. There are reasons for the Phils' relatively poor performance but the details are not germane - in fact, they're not Teutonic at all. Har! Good one, me! This hair gives me the power of Bad Punning!

Thing is, I was losing patience with them and was yelling at the TV when they played and being short-tempered when they lost, etc. I was not exactly fun to be around when the Phillies lost.

But after talking to my sister-in-law, who recommended I be less gloomy and have a more cheery outlook, I figured, What the hey - it can't hurt. Plus, that's a better way to be, just in general.

So with my mantra Don't be a fair-weather fan, I told Teh 'Bride that I was so confident that the Phils would sweep (win all three games from) the Padres when they came to town that, if they didn't, she could cut my hair.

A lesser man might have said, "If they don't win the series" or gone vague by saying "if they don't 'do well'" - whatever that may mean.

But not me. I said - it's a sweep, or I lose my Golden Tresses.

Well, Reader, not to spoil it for you, but the Phils did not sweep the Padres; they lost game two of that series 2-14. And you should have noticed two thing, here, if you're paying attention:

That loss occurred over two weeks ago (May 12); and the first sentence of this post reads "Currently [emphasis added, but fuck you, it's my sentence, I'll add what I want], my hair hangs down roughly to my shoulders", which sure seems to imply that here I am, two weeks+ later with all of my hair intact.

So what the fuck gives? you ask.

Well, first of all ... language, Reader, language. No need for the potty-mouth.

Second: We've been busy so Teh 'Bride just has not gotten around to it. No, I haven't been trying to  weasel out of the deal5.  In fact, it being a Debt of Honor, I've been reminding her irregularly ever since the loss that she has won the right to cut my hair. But it either turns out to be a long day and she's too tired at the end of it, or we're just too busy that day or we forget. Whatever the reason, it hasn't happened yet.

But it will.

Sadly ... it will.

 Ran 4 miles this morning at an 8:36 pace. Roughly 91 running miles for the month and 475 or so for the year so far.

1 Sorry, no pix. The pix here might give you an idea, but the headband kinda distorts the effect.

Best I can do. Sorry, hair fetishists.

2 The only barber I trust because when she cuts my hair, I don't have to worry about having to make barbershop small talk. (I dislike the social aspect of going to the barber, just as I dislike the social aspect of ... well ... everything. Let's just say I dislike having to be social, and leave it at that.)

Other advanatge of having Teh 'Bride cut my hair: I don't have to pay her. At least, not in money. RrrrrrRRRRRowrrRRR!

3 Variant spelling of "Hippo", because I've kinda let myself go, weight-wise.

4 Though they did win two out of three and Ian, my sister-in-law and I were there for game 3, which they won 3-2 with Cole Hamels pitching a great game. Of course, Doc pitched a great game in game two but they still lost it. Sigh. The Phillies didn't bring their bats that day but that's okay because all it cost me was my fucking HAIR!1!

5  Not that I'd be ashamed of myself if I were trying because, as Homer Simpson sagely explained: "Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals ... Except the weasel."


  1. What's wrong with a pony tail this summer? That would really bring you back to the 70's/

  2. My wife cuts my hair also. All the money over the years that I've saved on cuts has been used for important things like race entries and food. But in my case, a cut happens every four or six weeks and my hair is roughly the length of an inchworm. A short one.

    The Cardinals did their best to try and improve the health of the Phils by losing three of four in the recent series. We are reeling due to injury - exactly what I predicted when you are relying on old injury prone players.

    Finally, impressive mileage year to date! Mine has been dreadful - around 370 or so. But I've turned over a new leaf. The nineteen weeks between now and the Chicago marathon should propel me to over 1000 by then. With a couple months to spare.

  3. I'll bet you didn't know there is a Calgary connection to the Cowsills. Billy moved here a long time ago and was involved at various times in the local music scene. His death a few years ago made the headlines.

    At least you've got hair. If I tried to grow what little I have to be as long as yours I'm sure my wife would cut it in my sleep or something. It would look gross.

  4. So what were you going to get in return if the Phillies did sweep the Padres? If the answer is "Phillie pride" you really got the short end of the stick there...

  5. Last week I watched a game between the Phillies and (I think) the Brewers - made it to the third inning before falling asleep. It was still better than watching the Twins.

    I've been in the habit of letting my hair grow, then cutting off 10" to donate to Locks of Love. It's too grey now for that, so it's getting very long. I always said I didn't want to end up "the bald guy with a ponytail," but it's not far away now.

  6. I'm awaiting your comments about the Phillies' series against the Twins.

  7. Hey, you! Write a new post already!

  8. I have to admit that age is getting to me. So I would love to have long hair again and I will deal with the heat.